ABC of significant intimate relationships Find the perfect partner, Maintain the relationship Mistakes to avoid
How can we do for our married life be happy? Should we leave it to fate and count on our good fortune and pray fervently hoping that the gods will ensure the success of our love life? Is it possible to take control of something as ethereal as love?
My choice is clear. As with any business, whether children’s education, my career, my friendships, a sport in which I want to excel, it only surrounds me with skill and tenacity I can maximize my chances of success. Let me go to the mercy of events and chance often brings me to where I want to succeed. Ignore the obstacles and try to circumvent the challenges that life presents to me leads me to stagnation and, over time, to the regression. In love, as elsewhere, I must take my destiny if I want a good result.
Because it involves at least two people, the love relationship (marital or free) should be based on the contributions of both partners. It is not necessary that the contribution of each is identical, what matters is the balance in the quality of contributions. We are all able to estimate the overall balance in the investment and whether our own contribution is proportional to that of the other. It would be wrong to cheat by this self-assessment because this balance is crucial to the success of any union.
A – Find the perfect partner
A perfect partners partner may offend, I would say that a relationship to succeed you must first choose a partner “ideal“. But this formulation requires some explanation, because the definition of the ideal partner is certainly not unanimous.
I first want to clarify that this is not the perfect candidate “in the absolute.” Rather, I think the person should of course we all significant intimate relationships. I must also say that this is not the person who, at first glance, we won overall. I think more to someone who we like more and more deeply as and when we know more. This is not someone who looks like us as much as possible, someone who we can guess without us to express ourselves or someone who takes care to ensure our satisfaction and safety. I think the contrary, someone who we complete its differences, which leads us to express ourselves fully and let us take full responsibility for our happiness.
Three ingredients seem to me essential to a close relationship is likely to last: love, respect and complicity. The ideal partner is one who meets these criteria, ie those to whom we feel these three emotional ties. But because it is an equal adult relationship, it is necessary that these ingredients are more reciprocal.
By definition, collusion is necessarily reciprocal. But this is not always the case of the love and esteem. Indeed, it often happens that the person could be the perfect candidate for one do not be another. In this case, it is not the ideal partner for the lack of reciprocity from the outset creates a fundamental imbalance that eventually destroy the real link between the interlocutors.
Yet we often see unions take place on this fragile basis. Some do not care to seek the balance of reciprocity so they need to be loved is suffering. Others are in charge of the mission to make their partner happy, forgetting voluntarily themselves. Others choose to remain faithful to a promise they made in a context that bears no resemblance to their current situation. Finally, others rely on their own time and influence to bring their partner to look more like what would be their ideal. In all these cases, it is unlikely that lead to a happy union. The fundamental imbalance will sooner or later be frustrating enough to lead to the breakdown (rupture of fact or end of the personal investment in the relationship).
It is imperative to love the person, like what it basically is. This is critical. This does not mean that I love completely. It certainly has flaws that I dislike, habits that do not suit me, behaviors that bother me. But it is important that these irritants remain in my eyes accessories components of the person, the secondary characteristics that are not directly part of those that essentially define.
It must be more than the attraction is relatively general, both physical and mental. In other words, it is important that I feel the love that inspires my partner’s sensual and sexual desire and spirit to live up to my expectations. As I explain below, this love is not especially romantic, he is a real affection for the size of him I actually know rather than images that I made from limited evidence and superficial.
In adults, the real love always involves a degree of esteem. This is a complementary form of assessment, a positive assessment of the quality of the other. This decision is based on an agreement between my core values and those he represents by his actions. I think the gesture of someone because he is an important value to me. I find this person because it behaves in a way that I value.
The mutual respect is a cornerstone of the strength of a couple. It is also an essential pillar of complicity.
I should mention here what I mean by “perfect harmony“. I believe this is a shared vision on all key issues for everyone. This does not mean that there is never discussion or disagreement, on the contrary. But this common vision is needed to make it possible to succeed in agreement ensuring that both partners are satisfied.
Complicity does not control and can not ask for it and it exists or not. This is a deep understanding based on shared values, vision of life and many common needs. It takes the form of collusion that pushes everyone to join to another easily and spontaneously give him his support in the search for satisfaction and the pursuit of its main objectives.
To find the ideal candidate, it is not enough to wait patiently that we fall into the arms or he undertakes to seduce us. My idea has nothing in common with the myth that there is somewhere a person who is predestined us. There is no guarantee that we will recognize the person who would be our ideal partner if we come to the meeting. Nothing suggests that the ideal candidate will cross one day need our way. To find this gem, we must seriously engage in the research.
This research is not passive, it is an active approach where we exploit the opportunities that arise in our lives. Contrary to what Perreault wanted us to believe in the story of “Sleeping Beauty“, the ideal will not come see us at the bottom of our closet. It will not even probably never in our neighborhood and it does certainly not linger at the bedside of a sleeping woman.
First, we must create opportunities. If we do meet someone, it is clear that we can discover our ideal partner. It is important to give us opportunities to meet new people, whenever possible, the kinds of people we have affinities, common interests, similar values. Regardless of how to do it, it is important to meet a large number of people consistent with us if we want to find one that will prove to be our ideal candidate. The selection criteria are very demanding, it is essential that we can apply to many people.
Second, follow the direction of our attractions. We can not truly love a person we have only superficial knowledge or too partial. But we are naturally attracted to some people more than others. This first selection helps us to recognize those who might perhaps suit us. The bias created by this spontaneous attraction can help provide the energy for our exploration.
Third, we must find the conditions for a successful exploration. This is called to check if our interest grows or decreases in contact with the person. The conditions are those that we can really know this person. Our initial appeal based only on the details summary, we can not truly love the person. We need to know personally and on several levels before experiencing true feelings towards her. Our love will grow if the person is that we discover our needs. Our estimates will grow if the values it embodies in his life are those that are important to us. Our league will germinate slowly through all the experiences and challenges we have overcome.
For many people, this step is easier and more effective when the objectives love are relegated to the background. Located immediately in terms of friendship, professional collaboration or the satisfaction of common interest, they agree the mental space necessary for the gradual discovery of the other and to fulfillment serene attachment and real love. By considering the other as a potential spouse at home creates an invisible barrier that enhances the requirements while eliminating situations where the other would have the opportunity to really match.
Love is not a spontaneous outpouring that arises at first glance. It is instead the result of a process of knowledge of the other, to affirm who we are and validation progressive areas of complicity that we discover. This is because this love is based on a strong personal intimacy that is able to continue resisting the conflicts and pitfalls of everyday life we are necessarily present.
B-Maintain the relationship
The previous section focused on the birth of a relationship. She clarified the conditions for the development of a strong relationship where the couple will live happily together. But these preliminary steps are not enough to ensure happiness. It should also make sure to keep this relationship alive so that it continues to serve to the development of both partners.
1. Have both the will to change
In the relationship
Living an intimate relationship is a major challenge. In granting access to our in-depth person, we expose ourselves to be upset and mentally challenged in our behavior and attitudes. Now it is normal to try to avoid psychic shock. Most people do not want to upset the balance that they have built comfortable and naturally seek to reinstate the sooner if disturbed. However, this shock can be very profitable to develop and maintain a healthy relationship because it can evolve.
A balance complete equilibrium more or less successful we have reached an adult is the result of a series of adjustments made in contact with our family and especially those that have helped us as parents. In general, the degree of development is poor because we do not have the ability to be fully ourselves and assert ourselves as such to the important people in our lives. It is through the solution for our transfers that we can expand our freedom.
When we choose a life partner, in part to resolve this without a transfer and that we are necessarily conscious. Therefore it is important to agree to be upset and questioned in the relationship. It is a condition “sine qua non” for our personal and interpersonal development.
For the relationship leads us to evolve, we must be willing to be questioned. This means being open to “hear” criticism, blame or “feedback”. Naturally, we would tend to take a defensive posture to challenge comments or question the legitimacy of this way of speaking to us. “By what right are you talking like that?”
It is generally expected that such a reaction starts to dull trade (which is what occurs most often). With time and the accumulation of interactions of this type, some couples come to banish critical thinking one face to another. This tactic avoids altercations, but it ensures thereby the stagnation of the individual and, by extension, of the relationship.
The opening also means accepting that our partner has strong reactions to us, it is particularly angry. But many couples, the expression of anger is completely prohibited. (“If you think I’m going to let me speak in that tone!”) The women especially, to falsely associate a lack of respect, even when it is they who have caused. They react as if it was not to be proportional to the consequences of their actions, they expect the result (the reaction of the other) is filtered, sweetened in order to save.
When we are in conflict with someone, most of us tend to seek the cause in the other, temporarily forgetting that every relationship is a dynamic reality that involves an interplay of forces between all parties and therefore we have something to do with the birth of this conflict. This is also what we do in the marital relationship, even if the link is more intense than in our other relationships.
We avoid a lot of discussions and disputes, if sterile, before accusing our partner, we proceed to an examination to identify our contribution to the problem. No matter that our charges are expressed or implied, whether they are justified or not, if they are primarily a reflection of our close to a challenge, they are toxic to the relationship.
In his personal life
Each has its own existence outside her marriage. Each of us has aspirations of its own, personal needs and a unique potential to be updated. For growth as an individual, the freedom of each must be protected at all costs. If the marital relationship is in any way an obstacle to individual evolution is the health of the individual who is at risk and, by extension, that of the relationship.
These barriers to individual development may be performed by the partner in many ways. It may discourage such spouse really get involved in his business just because they are unrealistic when in reality it is because they threaten us. Unhealthy competition is another common example. It is to “kill” the other because its success threatens us or lead us to make additional efforts as appropriate to feel him. This reaction is diametrically opposed to the competition-type emulation that it calls for the elevation and transcendence. The obstruction is being done to undermine the success of the partner is usually subtle and sometimes takes a while to give negative results. For this reason, we must be wary of interventions from our partner that we tend to “pull down”. It is important to raise this issue as soon as one begins to feel the effects of inhibitors.
2. Taking care of the relationship
To maintain the quality of the relationship, it is not enough to adopt the attitudes of openness that is conducive to the development of both individuals and couples. We must also work actively to solve problems and to provide conditions to maintain the strength of the link.
Work on the important things
Each pair consists of two different beings, by definition, do not give equal importance to all aspects of life. Some things matter necessarily one and not the other. This fact leads inevitably, for some couples to repeated altercations. Typically, one of them was convinced that his view is correct and, therefore, that the other should store it. Unfortunately, the other thinks the same thing (it’s necessarily the case when multiple threads have not persuaded to change).
Domestic issues such as storage and maintenance are among the subjects with which couples poisoned life.
“You should store your clothes. I’m tired of seeing them lying around! ”
“We need to clean and laundry every Saturday.”
“Whether you like it or not, we must do together all the housework.”
Other areas of litigation the most important may be mentioned the sexual life and the expression of affection. But very often we avoid to address them head on. The principles of education, in turn, can often lead to vigorous debate, at least until one of them did not throw in the towel, exhausted to the rigidity of her partner.
When the great complicity between the partners, the couple does not end on all matters of disagreement. Everyone gives up acting on the points that seem secondary and retains its power to react on issues that are of paramount importance. It also happens that one or the other assumes a preference by applying itself the solution that suits them rather than wait for another adoption.
“It is indifferent to the order and cleanliness and I have no complaints with her echo. So I took it upon myself to see that our home would suit me. I will do myself the storage necessary or I’ll pay someone to take care of maintenance. ”
Of course such an option may be accompanied by a dose of bitterness. It is sometimes tempting to “pay” the other for its lack of cooperation to meet our needs. This desire for revenge is a bad advisory if you want a healthy relationship because it would create new conflicts far more serious than previous ones. In such a situation, the bitterness is to be regarded as a symptom of an imbalance that needs to be addressed and resolved in two.
Anyone who believes that needs it owns and is solely responsible for meeting them calmly chooses to assume a preference, even when it weighs on him. Of course, it would be easier if the other had the same need and went automatically to his desire, but it is more efficient to fulfill its need to run out to convince another to respond or poisoning the relationship by obtaining comply with it to have peace.
Solve problems as they arise
Couple as in other aspects of our lives, the problems that fails to address do not disappear. Instead, they often take the size over time and serve as fertile ground for other problems that come to be grafted. Thus, the more time passes, the more we tend to try to put the tip-off or simply ruminants. The most distressing is that very often these problems are based on a misunderstanding that would have been easy to clarify when it occurred.
Intervention on the field
Him: “I do not like you calling me a slacker as you did earlier.”
She: “I’m sorry, I should not use that word. I was beside myself and my words have passed my mind. It really is not the view I have of you. I was wrong. ”
Intervention two years later
Him: “I still blame you for the times you told me:” Go back to your TV sort of lazy! ‘”
She: “I have said this? I have no recollection. ”
During these two years he was working to rule in response to this argument. She was more irritated by it is passive resistance. So it was happening to treat lazy. He said the remarks confirmed the accuracy of the initial insult, they then fed his resentment.
To adopt the habit of settling disputes as they arise, it must be really convinced of the importance of doing so. There are still easily good reason to put this task to the next. It is also a certain amount of courage because the solution requires a confrontation which we do not know the outcome. This is why repetition is necessary attempts to acquire this conviction must be validated by experience before coming to a certainty. No wonder that the method of avoidance is by far the most popular, despite its disastrous consequences in the medium term.
Direct confrontation with the partner is difficult, especially if you want to do with the openness conducive to a favorable outcome. It is much more easy and tempting to turn inward and to pass up. This is the typical choice of men who are not entitled to express their feelings or who are reluctant to disturb or verbally attack their wives. To avoid confrontation women are more often tend to choose to spill from their friends. Typically they complain about their husbands and seek advice they rarely follow.
Just as the deliberate silence solves nothing, we know that talking “to a third party” will never solve our problem with our partner. In making this choice, we condemn ourselves to repeat the solution “ad infinitum” as the problem escalates.
Allow time for married life
Time together … Children usually compete and work to grab our attention and our energy to burn. How to avoid the stress of time to agree as a couple? How to confront his anxieties about the possibility of having the baby in the care of someone else or to the decision to go to work later to afford a weekend alone together? Besides invitations from friends and leisure activities for everyone.
The external forces will always take the upper hand unless both spouses do not consider her marriage as a priority, as a precious asset that must be protected. For the pitfalls are numerous and stronger than the routine many good wishes.
But we can do without investing in our married life eventually without paying a heavy price: the one to end up one day to a stranger. And, until this painful situation, it must also consider the loss of affection and consideration which are emotional nourishment required daily.
The intimate moments at home or getaway, are not optional for those who like to partner. But to avoid neglect, it may take one of two take the lead in the cause, the risk of forcing the other out of its straitjacket routine. It is even advantageous to confront the partner tough questioning his “anxiety” and pushing to examine his personal problems that feed them.
Expressions of interest and affection
For some it is the habit of living together that turns off expressions of interest, desire and affection. They argue that spontaneous touching, kissing for no apparent reason, the testimonies of physical attractiveness out of sex is the prerogative of the early relationship. No wonder that many of them envisage the renewal of life together in finding a new partner. Thus they allow a relationship yet nourishing starting to crumble completely.
This is not the time to pieces a relationship in which partners were initially well-appointed. It’s neglect. Neglect that allowed the accumulation of unsolved problems to the point that the distance between the partners is too important to show that they can truly magnets. Subtle or neglect in which they ceased to spice up their relationship after another conquered.
Complicity can be reassuring to feel that her partner is “conquered” forever, but it’s still bad for the relationship. It is much better than the commitment or the desire to continue to live together is a continual choice. Why is this so? Because the commitment to love is nonsense. It is impossible for anyone to predict future feelings. It’s impossible on the one hand because, as all living beings, we are in flux and secondly, because we know in advance or events that occur or behavior to the other the situations we do not yet know. For example, often a man comes to hate a woman he loved to distraction. This occurs most often when he is poisoned for years by his jealousy posse
The acceptance of living in an environment where the other is never definitively acquired necessarily leads us to take care of the relationship and consider the consequences of our actions. It keeps us alert and leads us to respect the other as a separate person!
The C-mistakes to avoid
1. Seeking to make its clone
“A lot of women … wanted man in their image as they vibrate, he expresses his emotions in their own way, he takes pleasure in the way they hold forth on the state of love and, more recently, he feels before the unborn child the same emotions as the mother who carries it. ”
Denise Bombardier (1993), “The rout of the sexes”
Of these “requirements” was born, to his great misfortune, he called the man rose. Why evil? Because by submitting (quite deliberately) to play a so-called equality, he sacrifices his identity and uniqueness.
The establishment of an egalitarian relationship does not mean the partners are or will become identical. It is absurd to try to experience things the same way as the other. But above all a quest that disguises the real issues. In the case of interest here is the existential loneliness that seeks to deny. Indeed, one who expects his partner his experiences living in the same way as he seeks above all to avoid the emotions inherent in being special or as a person. To illustrate my point, I’ll build a little example above.
Why do you want my partner vibrates like me, he expresses his emotions in my own way. Did he not his own sensibility? Has not his way to express one’s emotions? Why are my ways to me they seem better?
The truth is that if he changed to look like me, I could not make the effort to understand it as it is. There is also the fact that I live a certain loneliness to be the only person to live my experiences as I saw them. This loneliness is hard to bear and it seems even more painful if it remains different from me. That’s why I spend considerable time and energy trying to change it. So busy, my conscience remains far from my real issue, this solitude seems lighter.
This avoidance is particularly evident in the last example, expect that my partner live my motherhood the same way as me, the mother, is not only unrealistic but absurd. And, paradoxically, I do not hesitate to remind him if necessary: this is my body and childbirth. He never can really know what it is.
The partner who seeks to comply with these expectations is complicit in the avoidance existential. Usually it’s the same denial that is the ultimate reason for his actions.
2. Compromises and sacrifices
By definition, two different beings rarely have the same desire at the same time. Is it possible, despite this, to live with two being met? When the subject of dissent is trivial, the problem is easily resolved. But what happens when this is not the case?
Three options then we: (1) find another way to meet our need, (2) a compromise or (3) make a concession. See the implications of each.
In the first case, one must first take the trouble to identify the need to fill. Then you have to agree to seek, in response, another way than the one we wanted to use. This simple solution requires in fact an effort of lucidity (to clearly identify our real need) and a little imagination or ingenuity (to select another source of satisfaction). It achieves satisfaction more effectively if they were trying to force the other to comply with our desire.
The compromise, in turn, is to find a satisfactory arrangement for all, a solution that takes into account matters to everyone. In this case, the relationship bitterness no risk because the solution is based on the sacrifice of anyone. Everyone gets the same satisfaction if he does exactly what he wanted or if it does not get it when he would have liked.
The concession is of a different nature. It implies that one partner gives up what is important. Over the concession covers a crucial topic for anyone who accepts it, the more damage to the relationship are considerable. Sometimes just one important concession to jeopardize the relationship itself, it was hoped to protect by accepting the sacrifice. The accumulation of concessions is, in turn, usually fatal. It does not necessarily break a fact, but it always leads to mental deterioration in the person who is often used. And this damage that has disastrous impact on the vitality of the relationship. Here is an example of a concession fatal to a relationship.
She: Multiply the pressure on him to accept having a child.
Him: Not interested in this project has never been and think it never will be (it was already clear them). He reiterates his position slightly each time or just ducking the issue.
She: Enters the message but does not accept it. She tries to convince him.
Him:The arguments he intends quake never will. But after years of exchanges of this kind, he concedes.
Them: Although both aware that it “gives up” position, making the sacrifice of the kind of life that suited him, none of them care about the consequences of this waiver.
In such a situation, we often forget to consider the price that everyone will have to pay for the decline of one of the partners. More often we neglect to talk before going further. If partners did, they would undoubtedly take more often adopt a different solution by taking steps to ensure that everyone is satisfied. (The consequences would be as bad if it was she who had given up his project.) Looking at the events we can believe that a separation, even painful, had been a better solution.
Him: Do not put any enthusiasm to accompany him during her pregnancy. He must make an effort to focus the infant (so as not to displease him). The child grew up, his interest does not increase. It is a continually smoldering anger that the child is often the costs.
She: Collects his lack of enthusiasm. She was concerned and the reproaches, which results in repeated disputes.
Them: Many years later, is separation. One can easily imagine the problems they encounter on the sharing of custody, child support, etc..
So how one important concession may have disastrous consequences. Yet it is a concession granted, not a submission imposed by force. In this example, three lives are ruined because a person has conceded, because the other has accepted this concession because the third was the subject of this unfortunate decision.
3. Swear by the lightning strike
For some, the only true love, one that is most promising for happiness, born into a thunderbolt. Sometimes couples are created from this base, but the lightning is far from guaranteed a deep and lasting. In English, rightly called this experience “love at first sight” (love at first glance).
This raises a fundamental question: how can we become instantly in love with a stranger? FoudreS’il shot is to love the person itself, the essence of what it is, it is obviously impossible without knowing more.
But what is possible, however, is falling in love with the idea we have of this person. And that is precisely what happens when love at first sight we are impressed by a characteristic of the person and it is the imagination does the rest. The spark that triggered the lightning strike is necessarily an observable fact, but this is invented from this fact that causes the intense emotions that characterize the thunderbolt. This is a typical example of what we call love a person for the potential it represents. Here are two fairly typical cases.
I felt a mad desire from the moment I saw her. I want this woman at all costs … I feel that our sex will be sublime.
His gaze penetrating me hot and melted. Never has a man looked at me as well. This man carries within him all the tenderness I seek forever. I am convinced that I can fill.
These assumptions can sometimes be confirmed later. But a total love requires more. It should vibrate in several other dimensions of the person, not just the one that struck us at first. This is why it is essential to know that is to say, to live a variety of experiences with her, happy experiences as conflicts, and must especially have access to his inner world. A thorough knowledge of each other following the lightning strike allows some relationships to develop. Others die in the bud because of disillusion replaces the magic we had imagined.
Unfortunately, some people devalue to a failure of this kind. They believe that inadequate or unwilling to risk another disappointment. They have other options if they knew what their expectations are not their personal qualities that lead to this failure.
In this article, unpretentious, I tried to put some order into a subject that affects most of us. I wanted to focus on the dimensions that seem fundamental to create and maintain a satisfactory relationship, lasting, fulfilling life. There are many other ways to maintain a relationship and grow within it. Each of the choices that suit them and adapt to its special relationship.
But judging by the difficulty I encounter in my environment to find couples who are living strong through the years, I have come to believe that there is in this article more important revelations I believe. I hope to contribute to the thinking of those who are still looking for a relationship really contributing to their happiness.
- He Loves You He Loves You Not (socyberty.com)
- The Seven Qualities of an Ideal Partner – How Many of These Characteristics Do You Have? (realtruelove.wordpress.com)
- I’m Not Tellin’ (mommasmoneymatters.wordpress.com)
- Marry the Man or Marry the Mission (craigormiston.com)
- Soulmates (mymusingsonlife.wordpress.com)
- 4 Ways We Violate Other People’s Boundaries (psychcentral.com)
- WOW Six Successful Relationship Tips (nelioguerson.wordpress.com)
- A Guide To Hunting Unicorns: By A Unicorn (Written by DarkestLight) (closetquean.wordpress.com)
- Splitting – Unstable Relationships in Borderline Personality Disorder (showard76.wordpress.com)
- Really.:how Good is Your Relationship? (socyberty.com)